Marriage Advice - Finances - How to go about it.

scoobysnack

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Pretty good advice. We should start a save money thread - for that future Civic of course.

Save 10-20%
Pay Credit Cards in full
Don't buy individual stocks? I do have only index funds. Went from Schwab to Vanguard as it was cheaper.
Insurance - large deductible - done

I am not rich and I don't make six figures. Just small steps. Execution matters.

So where does the money go?
I use Metro PCS for cell phones. Three phones and I paid $75 per month flat fee. No iPhone. I can't believe what folks pay for cell phones!
No cable, I do have Netflix.
Eating out maybe twice a month. I cook very well. Learn to love the crock pot on weekends to make stuff to last the whole week.
Cheap haircuts at Great Clips. Has to be done normally every 30 days so why spend $50.
Clothing, thank God for casual dress in the office I can buy my wardrobe at Old Navy. Cheap. No more ties and cuff links.

Other ideas? Ways to save? Just look good and hard what is on auto pay from your checking or credit cards.

Amen! both my wife and I make six figures but I buy one pair of shoes and wear them until my socks are rubbing the pavement. I buy shoes MAYBE once every 5 years. My cell phone bill is $50/month (though I do get a work discount). When my wife and I got married we had a home phone line, internet and cable. In the last couple years we dropped the phone line (should have done it 10 years ago) and recently dropped cable. Like you we get what we need from the internet. Our comcast bill went from $150/month to $60/month.

The only debt we have is mortgage and student loans. Like you we only use credit cards to earn points and then pay it off immediately.

The house we live in is smaller than what we could have afforded... the cars arent as fancy as we can afford. I literally spend money on home, utilites, kids, food and beer. Paid cash for the CTR. Insurance is cheap.

I think too many folks, especially younger ones, get carried away with having the newest and nicest "stuff". Most of my clothes have holes in them, not because I cant afford new clothes but simply because I dont NEED new clothes and dont mind that they're worn out.
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kg4fxg

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Amen
Cheap is the way to go. Fortunately, my wife is on board with cheap. Find ways to save. Do we really need this expense? We are are learning, me too! I am sure we all can learn to save and cut what we spend. Me included.

Eventually, we can all be debt free. But we have to plan wisely. I am 56 and it took years. Smart choices from a 30 year mortgage to a 15 to none. It takes work so and not so easy. Simple rules. And I still learn to save.
 

SCOPESYS

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First thing first, she should have zero reasons to not show you her last monthly purchase statements from her bank account now that she's willing to try to move forward.
Obviously we all go through relationships differently but I had an EX with the same financial problem. Quickly found out that she was pulling money out of her account at ATMs bc she picked a habit up unfortunately.... NOT saying that's ur situation by any means. But as a married couple you don't hide anything from each other no matter if we feel it will hurt the other person or not.
Luckily we weren't married lol

Knowing where the money was/is going is a great starting point to start wiping out what the "wants" are and start focusing on the "needs"
As stated earlier

Since California is a community property state, the law applies that the community estate shared between both individuals is liable for a debt incurred by either spouse during the marriage. All community property shared equally between husband and wife can be held liable for repaying the debts of one spouse.

I think you have every right (and maybe also a legal right) to know about any debts your Californian Spouse may be racking up, because if the debtors come after her, they will also come after you, and you are one one with the savings, so you are the target.

I hope you get things sorted out and can move on .. but at the moment it is obviously a bad situation, that will require both of you to correct.
 

Hondaman_MI

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Amen
Cheap is the way to go. Fortunately, my wife is on board with cheap. Find ways to save. Do we really need this expense? We are are learning, me too! I am sure we all can learn to save and cut what we spend. Me included.

Eventually, we can all be debt free. But we have to plan wisely. I am 56 and it took years. Smart choices from a 30 year mortgage to a 15 to none. It takes work so and not so easy. Simple rules. And I still learn to save.
Personally, I think being ultra conservative with money is pointless. Healthcare costs CRUSH nest eggs. A person can follow all the rules, retire....and be forced to spend down assets because you inevitably develop _____ chronic/debilitating illness. Not saying one should be careless about spending, but I think it's important to enjoy life while you're healthy, and not count every bean.
 
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SCOPESYS

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Personally, I think being ultra conservative with money is pointless. Healthcare costs CRUSH nest eggs. A person can follow all the rules, retire....and be forced to spend down assets because you inevitably develop _____ chronic/debilitating illness. Not saying one should be careless about spending, but I think it's important to enjoy life while you're healthy, and not count every bean.
A lot to be said for living each day as if it were your last ...
Enjoy life (sensibly) while you are young
Don't put off what you can do today, that you may not be able to do tomorrow.
The important and meaningful thing is not the length of your life, but the quality of it.
 


scoobysnack

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A lot to be said for living each day as if it were your last ...
Enjoy life (sensibly) while you are young
Don't put off what you can do today, that you may not be able to do tomorrow.
The important and meaningful thing is not the length of your life, but the quality of it.
Ironically, this might be the same outlook the OP’s wife has.

I think we’ve narrowed it down to two main possibilities:

1) bad actions on her part that she doesn’t want to discuss, or...

2) she’s secretly assisting a needy family member or donating to some wholesome cause.

Either way carpe diem isn’t going to help when there’s financial secrecy in a marriage.
 

xcoreflyup

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Sit her down and have an in-depth about financial planning, saving and retirement. Lead a way of changing lifestyle, see how is her reacting to it.



For me, Me and my GF both having saving in our banks, We both grow up in tradition Cantonese household and our parent pound the idea of finance management and saving into our head at very early ages. I am lucky...and I also pick my SO very carefully.
 

BallisticSquid

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Personally, I think being ultra conservative with money is pointless. Healthcare costs CRUSH nest eggs. A person can follow all the rules, retire....and be forced to spend down assets because you inevitably develop _____ chronic/debilitating illness. Not saying one should be careless about spending, but I think it's important to enjoy life while you're healthy, and not count every bean.
There is wisdom in this. My dad went through a period after my mom passed where he was buying a new car every other year. He didn't need a new car this often, but it had turned into a bit of a hobby for him...an expensive hobby :). Now he is suffering from dementia and is in a care facility and every penny of his will be spent before Medicaid kicks in. So now I say "good for you Dad!" that he burned that money on cars back then...he got to enjoy that money rather than basically giving it to Medicaid.

You can't predict the future, but it's good to allow yourself to live a little rather than constantly focus on and prepare for the worst case scenario.
 

Hondaman_MI

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There is wisdom in this. My dad went through a period after my mom passed where he was buying a new car every other year. He didn't need a new car this often, but it had turned into a bit of a hobby for him...an expensive hobby :). Now he is suffering from dementia and is in a care facility and every penny of his will be spent before Medicaid kicks in. So now I say "good for you Dad!" that he burned that money on cars back then...he got to enjoy that money rather than basically giving it to Medicaid.

You can't predict the future, but it's good to allow yourself to live a little rather than constantly focus on and prepare for the worst case scenario.
Yeah it's not very forgiving, sometimes they even do 5 year look backs. If a grandfather gave a family member money, they may have to pay it back. It's sad to see someone work hard their whole life and build up savings, hoping family will inherit it. Only to see most of their assets go to the government. Truth is, with modern medicine most of us don't collapse and die. It's a very slow process, that's extended in one way or another. Point is don't just build a nest egg, do some serious research and estate planning covering all scenarios. Including setting up a will or some type of life estate deed(lady bird deed) for a house, so it doesn't go to probate when you die. It can be automatically transferred to your kids or another loved one....depending on the laws in your state.
 
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kg4fxg

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So when the tax return is done who pays the additional taxes?
Also, never had issues with transferring home in will. Have a will. Paid no estate taxes.

I would agree with the healthcare point. Plan and save and one illness and it is over. Been there with parents and nursing home. Many retired folks have a pension but they are hard to come by now days. Will be interesting to watch those who retire without one and what happens? As a CPA I don't plan on quitting work. Always had side work as well. Never just assume.
 


charleswrivers

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retired folks have a pension but they are hard to come by now days.
Yeah... I'm part of the last of the generation of the current retirement system, which wasn't as good as it was a few decades back. I bet they'll have shifted wholly over to a 401k-style system before too many more years. Pensions just about killed GM... paying over a half million employees not to work anymore. Billions. I had a family member get laid off from a company in the 90s shortly before they were eligible for theirs. They're rapidly going away. I guess it makes sense to not pay someone in their 40s-50s a portion of their pay until they kick the bucket. I don't plan in turning it down though. My money vault from military retirement may only be filled with pennies, but it'll be a buttload of pennies...
Honda Civic 10th gen Marriage Advice - Finances - How to go about it. AncientRedCuttlefish-size_restricted
 

BallisticSquid

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Yeah it's not very forgiving, sometimes they even do 5 year look backs. If a grandfather gave a family member money, they may have to pay it back. It's sad to see someone work hard their whole life and build up savings, hoping family will inherit it. Only to see most of their assets go to the government. Truth is, with modern medicine most of us don't collapse and die. It's a very slow process, that's extended in one way or another. Point is don't just build a nest egg, do some serious research and estate planning covering all scenarios. Including setting up a will or some type of life estate deed(lady bird deed) for a house, so it doesn't go to probate when you die. It can be automatically transferred to your kids or another loved one....depending on the laws in your state.
Yes, they do that. We heard of a story of somebody helping pay for their grandkids' college education and that money had to be paid back. I understand that they are trying to prevent people working the system, but there are scenarios where this happens yet nobody was trying to take advantage of the system.

They went through my dad's financial history and bank statements back 5 years with a fine toothed comb, questioning everything and anything that looked slightly suspicious. Even though we knew there was no funny business going on, it was stressful, in the way an IRS audit is stressful even if you knew you didn't do anything wrong.
 
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aegeanbluecivic

aegeanbluecivic

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So when the tax return is done who pays the additional taxes?
Also, never had issues with transferring home in will. Have a will. Paid no estate taxes.

I would agree with the healthcare point. Plan and save and one illness and it is over. Been there with parents and nursing home. Many retired folks have a pension but they are hard to come by now days. Will be interesting to watch those who retire without one and what happens? As a CPA I don't plan on quitting work. Always had side work as well. Never just assume.
Thought this thread died already lol but I appreciate the few individuals giving additional wisdom which I greatly appreciate. So... Unfortunately my spouse ended up owing taxes, unsure what had happened but apparently she didn't set up her w4 correctly causing less money given to the government. I agreed to pay half of what she owes though kinda feeling regretful of doing so. She only owed about $800 in federal taxes so its not that bad. I advised her to get that w4 corrected and if it is correct to have additional money saved up per check to pay up when the time comes to file taxes again.

So far it feels we have gotten closer so this was a step into the right direction. Shes finally looking into getting into a 401k with her employer (unsure why she didn't before... had to give a rundown of the benefits).
 

Bru87tr

I am very responsible with my finances.

My wife is an accountant. She thinks I should have more money.

Dont pretend you know all of her finances. You could be wrong, like my wife.
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