suhhh
Senior Member
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- Kenny
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- Jan 15, 2020
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Yesterday I broke up with my girlfriend of a year ON our one year anniversary.. its been tough all the way until now because parts of me are filled with regret if I even made the right decision.
I'm 24, she's 20. There's a big age gap but we never minded that, we got along really well from the start. We vibed together easily, enjoyed a lot of the same things, and she was the first person in a long time I could really act myself and be comfortable around. She really loved me, she cared for me, always wanted to keep me well fed, always came to all my music performances that I had, got me little small gifts here and there and drew drawings for me (she's great at art) randomly and sent them to me. We both acted soft as fuck with eachother when we were alone and when we were outside we were always affectionate and she kept me happy and calm.
The only thing is because of our age gap, we were in two separate stages of life. I'm working full time 9-5, she's still in school and working a part time job. Our conflicting schedules was the source of conflict quite a bit over the past few months, I'd be sleeping early while she's staying up late doing work. There will be days she wants to see me but I'm just too tired from work to make the commute (an hour+ of heavy city traffic). A lot of situations of miscommunication and we both have our own ways of handling it, the way she handled it usually led me into downwards spirals of anxiety. I felt as if I purely revolved around her, if she was sad, then I was sad, if she felt off, I felt off. There were certain levels of expectations that she expected and even if I felt like I was accomplishing them, she didn't. I found my mood and emotions getting thrown off every single time the even slightest of situations started to arise even though they weren't necessarily bad situations. Found myself feeling guilty and she sometimes guilt tripped me if I tried to do things on my own, like work on my car, play some call of duty, or just have any me time.
The older I get, the more I started to care for myself and put myself first. I've always been a "yes" man, I'm liked by a lot of people and do have a lot of "friends" because people think I'm super friendly and a kind person but I feel like it's because I tend to be a people pleaser a lot of the time. I definitely deal with high functioning anxiety because I'm anxious on a daily basis but I cover it super well, never do people suspect that I'm nervous when I usually am. This slow realization made me start to self reflect a lot on this relationship and realized that maybe this isn't something I can do. I've communicated about possible solutions to some of these problems we've had but never saw any progress and just saw myself spiraling into deep holes of anxiety at the smallest things.
So yesterday I decided to put myself first and love myself. As much as I love her and care about her, I need to do the same exact thing for me - love myself even more actually. As many of the positives that I have experienced and all the people telling me that we are the "perfect couple", it didn't always seem like that on the inside. I'm learning to cope with myself a lot more and learning to breathe easier while overthinking less but I feel like this might be a first necessary step because it wasn't a good influence for my mental health.
I'm going through a rollercoaster of emotions of highs and lows, parts of me clinging onto the good memories and the things we used to do and parts of me are realizing my self worth and patting myself on the back. I just kind of wanted to vent this out because I feel a lot better after writing this. I would've posted this on reddit but we both use reddit extensively so I didn't want to risk the chance of her seeing this. I'm sad but I'm strong, I've been through this before but maybe this time is just a little bit harder. My heart goes out to everyone in a similar spot and I'm here for ya.
I'm 24, she's 20. There's a big age gap but we never minded that, we got along really well from the start. We vibed together easily, enjoyed a lot of the same things, and she was the first person in a long time I could really act myself and be comfortable around. She really loved me, she cared for me, always wanted to keep me well fed, always came to all my music performances that I had, got me little small gifts here and there and drew drawings for me (she's great at art) randomly and sent them to me. We both acted soft as fuck with eachother when we were alone and when we were outside we were always affectionate and she kept me happy and calm.
The only thing is because of our age gap, we were in two separate stages of life. I'm working full time 9-5, she's still in school and working a part time job. Our conflicting schedules was the source of conflict quite a bit over the past few months, I'd be sleeping early while she's staying up late doing work. There will be days she wants to see me but I'm just too tired from work to make the commute (an hour+ of heavy city traffic). A lot of situations of miscommunication and we both have our own ways of handling it, the way she handled it usually led me into downwards spirals of anxiety. I felt as if I purely revolved around her, if she was sad, then I was sad, if she felt off, I felt off. There were certain levels of expectations that she expected and even if I felt like I was accomplishing them, she didn't. I found my mood and emotions getting thrown off every single time the even slightest of situations started to arise even though they weren't necessarily bad situations. Found myself feeling guilty and she sometimes guilt tripped me if I tried to do things on my own, like work on my car, play some call of duty, or just have any me time.
The older I get, the more I started to care for myself and put myself first. I've always been a "yes" man, I'm liked by a lot of people and do have a lot of "friends" because people think I'm super friendly and a kind person but I feel like it's because I tend to be a people pleaser a lot of the time. I definitely deal with high functioning anxiety because I'm anxious on a daily basis but I cover it super well, never do people suspect that I'm nervous when I usually am. This slow realization made me start to self reflect a lot on this relationship and realized that maybe this isn't something I can do. I've communicated about possible solutions to some of these problems we've had but never saw any progress and just saw myself spiraling into deep holes of anxiety at the smallest things.
So yesterday I decided to put myself first and love myself. As much as I love her and care about her, I need to do the same exact thing for me - love myself even more actually. As many of the positives that I have experienced and all the people telling me that we are the "perfect couple", it didn't always seem like that on the inside. I'm learning to cope with myself a lot more and learning to breathe easier while overthinking less but I feel like this might be a first necessary step because it wasn't a good influence for my mental health.
I'm going through a rollercoaster of emotions of highs and lows, parts of me clinging onto the good memories and the things we used to do and parts of me are realizing my self worth and patting myself on the back. I just kind of wanted to vent this out because I feel a lot better after writing this. I would've posted this on reddit but we both use reddit extensively so I didn't want to risk the chance of her seeing this. I'm sad but I'm strong, I've been through this before but maybe this time is just a little bit harder. My heart goes out to everyone in a similar spot and I'm here for ya.
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Keep your head up king. If your on xbox we can hit forza or call of duty and get your mind off it. @ connorsrandom
